Tuesday, November 30
gosh everyone looked so beautiful! i mean more than usual. everyone! i have the feeling vank and i had the least makeup on. zhi min was so pretty! limin and sheryl were so pretty! debra was so pretty! janet's so pretty with contacts! ahhh!! andd zhi min was prom queen. whee! hahaha. psst. i sat next to the prom queen in sec2 okay. haha. anyway. everyone looked so grownup.. with all their beautifully done up eyes.. gosh. i really had a shock when i couldn't recognise so many people. beautiful gowns.. beautiful eyes.. i have beautiful friends! haha. eh ppl don't tell others who's that girl who looked like she didn't put on any makeup arh. it's too embarrassing. i actually looked the youngest for once. even next to gen and jan. maybe i should have gone to a pro like everyone else. but ah well i saved money.
hilton has nice toilets. this is an important point to note. nobody tried to trick me into going into the guys' toilet. this is also important, probably because jp was nowhere near me all night. wandered down orchard after it all.. all the heels clicking down the road.. oh another important point. for the first time i wore the more conservative heels. wahahah. see why i looked so horribly young next to all of you beautiful people? anyway. clicked very far down.. in my opinion anyway.. went to lido.. no movies showing.. cine.. half of us went to taxi, some to the incredibles and a few decided not to watch and went back to the room. it wasn't that cold in the cinema but i didn't have my shawl and started freezing a little. imagine chris and her holey dress. stupid joan wasn't cold at all. i accidentally kicked the aforesaid stupid joan several times shaking my legs. wahaha. and oh btw she looks quite good as a girl. you know how we always say joan's got nice eyes, nice smile, blah blah she ought to be a girl? well. she decided to be a girl for once. and i couldn't recognise her. and i couldn't stop screaming. and i couldn't stop staring. so. joan please be a girl in future, i assure you you'll be very much sought after. but i guess you can take care of yourself. but if you start looking all pretty now who's going to pose as my bung next year? must remember to ask you nicely again if you can continue the service next year cos really i can't find anyone else. and i really want to be safe next year. when i'm all alone. and i think i'm getting scared already.
clicked our heels back to hilton. went up quietly in groups. oooh we bought yummy doughnuts from 7/11 and ate them. wahaha. how unglam. beautiful gowns, high heels and doughnuts. hahaha. didnt get caught at all. i still can't believe our luck. no one complained about the sheer number. or the noise. or anything. even though we were being watched. maybe cos half of us fell asleep and i tried to for about 2 hours. you really thought i was sleeping arh? i could hear every word of the conversation. why do you think i made noises every now and then? didnt want to fool y'all. in the end i gave up and sat up. what the heck were we talking about all morning til 5? besides how gorgeous limin is? and how she should be a model cos she's got the features and the body? and that short impromptu speech i made thanking her for being nice to me in sec1 when everyone avoided me during work attachment cos i was from 1e2. none of you ever knew right? hah. i remembered her name and face. like how i will always be grateful to siti for holding hands with us during the sec2 debate even though her class was on the other side. even though the entire level was on the other side. some things you remember far more than lesser things. it's this stuff that means a lot to me. then somehow we all rolled over and went to sleep.. and i didnt take off my contacts. woke up at 8.. we were all squished together in weird positions.. bwong's head was near my butt i think. or my feet. i was sleeping half on gen's stomach half on the pillow. washed up. joan and debra went googoogaga over my toothpaste. debra can squeeze a heart! joan can't!! wahahhaa. walked to macs for breakfast. gosh so embarrassing. big tshirt, shorts, and shoes wayy too big for me. haha. vank and i walked together cos everyone else was so nicely dressed in jeans. tripped carrying my food over the shoes but i didnt fall. see i might trip a lot but i don't always fall. fooled joan that last night she kept saying someone's name in her sleep. she believed me. hahaha. and i always thought i was bad at lying. but i guess she figured i would know best cos when she fell asleep her head was next to mine. went back to sit around and talk. jean chris sheeni and bev were snoring away.. vank took a video.. i dunno if she really kissed sheeni cos i didn't see.. packed and left. and we might never meet again til we collect our results. this sucks you know. i really want to meet again. but it's so hard to coordinate. even in the u.. you might meet again. but i won't be meeting y'all again as classmates. friends yes classmates no. it's the path i've chosen. argh. oh well. make do. pictures, videos, memories.. yupp. thanks for everything. you were the best class in my heart.
eh if you owe me money for the photos, pay up. i'm 80 bucks below the minimum for my bank account, and it's the end of the month. my mum will screech when i get the balance. and i'm freaking pissed with my dad. he forces me to volunteer to help at the church tonight and then tries to make it sound like i wanted to! damnit i'm tired, i had 3 hours of sleep last night, i didn't sleep well just now cos ppl kept calling, and i'm emotionally gone okay! i'll die if i go to choa chu kang tonight. having a migraine. really really drained. it's not fair they're always picking on me. not my sister. how come some people have it all. whatever. i am not smiling tonight. let people think what they want. i don't smile at people when i'm tired. so if my parents get complaints that their daughter is very unfriendly.. too bad.
it must've been love.
6:10 pm
xoxo
Monday, November 29
great it's the morning of our prom. a nice practice wedding for the future nun. and i just got it. that makes chris jean and me. the good-friends syndrome. oh what the heck why today. well no wonder i was feeling so fat. maybe i'll go do my nails later to make me feel better. wahaha what an excuse. waiting for bev to come. the other piggys have people to do makeup and hair for them. and i'm not even wearing any foundation or powder or anything of that sort cos i'm quite a lot darker than my mum. and i am not about to look like some old blind aunty. so tadahh i'm just going with my big lipglossed smile and mascara. maybe eyeshadow if i can decide on the shades. anyway it's gonna be all dark and let's walk down orchard at midnight!! wahahha. let chris flirt with all the guys. then if anyone tries to do anything we'll throw our heels at him. hehhh.
ten years from now i wonder what we'd be saying about tonight. will it be a blast? or will it be painfully boring? seeing that i have no hope at all in the current batch.. puahaha sorry jean.. i guess it's up to us to make things happy for us. which we're pretty good at, so who gives a damn. gonna eat now. mee sua. yuckkk. wish i could just skip lunch. feeling fat enough. bored bored bored still have to do annoying autograph things. eech.
it must've been love.
11:42 am
xoxo
Sunday, November 28
all this while i imagined that perhaps
someday i'd see you riding along the faint horizon
on a pearly white stallion, coming to take me away.
i imagined that perhaps you'd take me by the hand,
that perhaps together we'd ride to your castle far away,
that perhaps if i dreamed hard enough, it would all be.
sometimes even now when i close my eyes,
it's your face i see, that smile etched into my very being.
i could fool myself, but i guess it's always been you.
i didn't mean to dream of what cannot be.
i didn't mean to dream - at all.
all i wanted to do was chase the stars at night til dawn stole them away.
to ride away on a white horse, away from all of this.
to ride away to something better, some place happier.
to ride away - with you.
it must've been love.
4:45 pm
xoxo
Saturday, November 27
got back from camp yesterday.. actually i left early cos i had some stuff on. managed to take a half an hour nap before rushing out.. and because the restaurant doesn't allow people with slippers i had to wear heels.. and hurt my already strained knees and legs. was grumpy by the time i got back and had to take pictures for my mother's birthday. i can't smile after sleeping an average of 3 or 4 hours a night for two nights okay. i tend to go into hibernation. waiting for my father now to approve my jc choices, which will take another hour or so cos he's doing some office work. have to apply by 4pm today. hope the server's not all jammed up. parents are funny people. i only just got the damned paper okay, and yesterday was too busy a day to apply. so how come i'm the one who gets scolded for applying last minute when everyone knew long ago what i plan to do? then when my mum asks me to get the paper back from him, he says he wants to see it and blah blah blah although it'll take another few hours. if you want to see it so desperately, just take a minute to look how i've ranked the schools and courses okay? it won't take more than that unless you want to read through the entire booklet which would be a waste of time since i'm the one who's gonna apply. i am obviously badmooding.
you know i was thinking about what we've been talking about these past few days. funny how things are changing huh, after we've gone. changes that aren't from our own doing, that are uncontrollable, that must only further impair what is already flawed. i didn't really consider that it might really happen, even after everyone talked about it so long ago. guess now it is. i hate changes. yet change itself is the only thing that doesn't change. i'm such a cave woman sometimes. heh. if i were someone else, if i were a better person, if i were anyone but me, i would promise to come back. but because i'm me, because i'm so terribly bad at everything, because i'm so flawed and imperfect, i can't. even if i were to go to hc and be horribly nearby, and join some happily slack cca like library, it would still be a pretty bad option for all of us. it would be so much better if the rest of you could go to nearby schools and all that instead huh. the proximity of hc is wasted on me, considering my usefulness or lack thereof. and then there's the possiblity i might go to sa anyway. where i might meet y'all and we'd be happy happy and i wouldn't have to be alone. i can't think this early in the morning. i guess i'm not making sense.
i've still got about half a billion autograph thingys to write and honestly i'm sian of it. please, people, don't ask me to do anymore. if you want to remember me, i'll take a picture with you at prom and scribble a note okay? i hate decorating little bits of paper and all that junk cos i'm lousy at it. i'll just end up sticking my butterfly sticker earrings at the bottom of a note that reads ' i don't know you very well but oh well here goes.. have a nice life! merry christmas and a happy new year in advance for the next fifty or so years.' for the people i'm lazy to write properly for.. and a longlonglong message to those i do care pitholes about.
applied. goodbye science, i loved thee for a little bit while i was still interested. i think i've changed. remember i was so into bioinfo and all that stuff? i thought dna was cool and all that, i loved everything bio. now i'm still pretty interested reading sci-fi novels, but i end up thinking about the characters more than anything else, and symbols. anyway since i don't know myself, and all you people think i'm more artsy than sciencey, i'll just go for it. it's done anyway. hmm. i'll never study with you people again, and i'll never understand what you're talking about anymore when you talk about your classes. and unless we meet in sa.. maybe we'll never see each other again. bahhhh.
chlorine is bad for earrings. remind me to take them off next time. i know i sleep eat bathe swim and bbq in them but can you remind me that i'm wearing them next time? sometimes i can't feel them in my ears. i think i'll go rest now. this is emotionally draining. i think i'm right, doing this. but what if i change again?? i'd just die. honestly. just. die. you can't switch back. oh what have i done? i must love it. i will. arghhh sleepytime.
it must've been love.
10:30 am
xoxo
Tuesday, November 23
i can't believe i can't go home tomorrow. i mean i like staying over.. but not when i plan to go out the next day and blah blah blah have huge bags of clothes! oh well at least it'll be fun. i damaged my nails. again. i really don't give a damn now. just gonna have to work harder to pay for another painting. and my hair. now i have to pack for like three days. gahhh.
remember i showed you the funny bruises i got without realising? i just found another on my knuckle. i assure you i didn't hit anything and i didn't feel anything til i looked down. what's happening? it can't be leukemia. do you believe in voodoo? someone hates me.
it must've been love.
9:43 pm
xoxo
just got back. dead tired. i really don't know what's wrong with my knee, and i'm getting a bit worried, maybe i'll do something about it. this has no relation to my habit of wearing heels i hope.. cos i'd hate to have to wear flats like all ye ordinary people.. wahhaha kidding. well today.. played the piano for an hour before going to church.. without chipping my nails.. went to church, did some admin stuff, pretty much like working at the sdc.. ate a huge lunch and met y'all. kena harrassed by some people at causeway.. i swear, if they are there the next time i go, i am going to call the police post again and lodge a report against certain people loitering around shopping areas behaving very agressively against innocent passers-by and members of the public. and i mean it. i am utterly prepared to use my official voice to protect my right to walk to an mrt station unharmed. damn them. anyway. erhh swam. janet if you have fat thighs, i suffer from elephantitis. so shuddup before i call for a vote to prove it. the pool is very big. it's too big. i could drown in its 'artificial blueness'. and just for the record, i can command the weather. wahaha. as soon as i persuaded chris to attempt to get out, the sun came out. then when i suggested shooting the clouds to make it rain so the sun could come out again, a drop of water fell on my face and it started pouring. and i still think taxi drivers don't like stopping for people who stand with towels on their heads in the rain desperately trying to flag a cab. it is utterly prejudiced but a most kind and angelic
female taxi driver stopped for us. ah hah. there you have it. females should rule the world, we rock. went back.. turned around a corner in the corridor of chris's house.. saw two dead cockroaches.. thought oh well it's dead, it can't hurt me.. heard jan's shriek, turned around another corner and saw this whole corridor of live cockroaches.. and here i admit i screamed very loudly and very high. i'm sorry, it just happens naturally.. i tend to squeal a lot and i really do hate cockroaches. so we had to walk very slowly past them all.. it was like living in one of the nightmares i always have.. walking through a passageway with cockroaches on all sides.. oh heavens. erh i'm still alive. thanks for holding my arm so i couldn't just turn around and run away and stay away. i'm not very brave. oh knight in shining armor where art thou? anyway. ordered pizza.. chipped my nail on the guitar.. *scowls fiercely* i did not pay sixteen bucks to chip a nail playing romance d'armour okay. stupid me. anyway. it's been chipped already, so who cares, i'm just going to keep playing until maybe sunday or monday when i next paint my nails. the smallest chip is still an imperfection okay. sat around.. tried to curl jan's hair.. couldn't see any dif.. went out without being attacked by any monster cockroaches.. went home in the pitch dark and discussed how frightened we'd be if we were alone. jan's scared of cheekopek men walking behind her. i'm scared of scary looking indian men walking behind me. didn't get yelled at for not calling home. don't forget to tie two tomorrow yeshhh? cya. i can't wait to bbq. well my nails are ruined anyway. imperfection!
i asked a few questions about puppets today. and the puppet master. tell me, am i wrong to think we're all being played on a string by a puppet master we cannot see? only the Truth knows. and it scares me. dancing around a fire, mocking us.. i remember a poem.. from last year.. oh well.
it must've been love.
8:44 pm
xoxo
Monday, November 22
hmm haven't been blogging these few days. busy shopping and sorting out pics. for the record, i'm halfway done. i'll print them before prom, honest. and as for the shopping.. argh a lot of money gone! but i bought the stuff i've always wanted. hee.. mascara, dress sandals, concealer, brown eyeshadows.. bought my mum's birthday gift, which she likes hee.. got my eyebrows done, hair cut, manicure, veeted legs. yupp. all in two days. =D of course i'm hoping my mum wont notice the manicure and veet, but it's my money anyway. i tell you manicures are so fun! i'm not high maintenance. i just want to be nice to myself.
going to church to learn what to do, then to chris's house to suntan. and after that just fool around with makeup. and do whatever we do best. slack i guess. luckily i found a job. even though it's at the church office. or i wouldn't be able to afford to upkeep myself and buy christmas
and birthday gifts. i love the body shop gift sets. i bought the spirit of moonflower one for my mum. heeee. and yes i will definitely use my body mist tmr when i meet y'all, got a problem? haha. whee i love my nails. shall sort pics now. gives me a headache. and if you get me high enough tmr, maybe i'll tell you the story of the red rubies. wahhaha suddenly i see all the high-sugar and alcoholic stuff being kept away. *shrugs* cya!
it must've been love.
9:12 pm
xoxo
Friday, November 19
i'm pretending the o levels never happened okay? let me be delusional for a while. huh, o levels? what o levels? eh? yes thanks.
today was easily one of the best days so far! in fact.. it's the best day this whole month! i love you all so much!!! you're the sweetest bestest people in the world, even though you always bully me.. like when we played blind cat and you sneaked away to hide in a corner.. which is against the rules.. well. i wanna remember this day forever and i just can't sleep yet so i'll run through it again. =D when i'm sixty six i'll remember what it's like to be young and carefree and crazy.
11 plus am: ignoring all the bits concerning chem, we met in school. and stared at the clock.
12 nn: went downstairs to wait for gen. patiently. and waited. and waited. and.. genevieve, genevieve, wherefore art thou genevieve? wilt thou never be on time eh, thou hammie? yes. we walked out of school.. and heard this little shriek. and there she was! talk about luck. ate at the funny thai place near coro. yummy food. and gen and chris: you have been telling me i'm crappy for 4 years dearies.. doesn't it get tiring? i can spin a story out of anything as long as i'm happy. wahhaha. i'll tell you the story of the red rubies another day. i swear, it could be true! you never know.
1plus: ignore all bits about chem. fast forward to 6pm.
6pm: walked briskly out of the hall, fell into someone's arms.. was it jean's.. she screamed.. i shushed her.. we all screamed and hugged and somehow made our way downstairs.. got on the bus, made a great deal of noise on the bus.. jan's deaf.. gen's deaf.. everyone's deaf.. i can't pronounce anything for nuts.. borrowed school of rock.. some confusion because i forgot to bring my wallet.. bought fries and icecream.. i know jan's password.. wahahhaha. actually i only saw the last two digits but hey jan great minds think alike, i'd have chosen it too.
7pluspm: watched school of rock. pigged. really really pigged. i have to cut down on eating starting tomorrow. gahh. nice show. darned funny. the drummer is so cute!!! there's something about drummers you know. anyway. he's super cute. and for the record, i think draco malfoy's pretty cute too minus the weird hair. there's this.. surreal quality about blonds eh. fallen angels. hmmsy.
9pluspm: everyone got distracted staring at the pool. bev had to go home, so we walked her out to the bus stop and made a grand scene waving our beloved off. skipped back. saw someone who's apparently from our school because as she walked past she said hey those girls are from my school. chris heard. i almost died. and regretted the skipping around like some deranged child. went to the pool. put our feet in and kicked. i like floating frangipanis. made a great deal of noise. put our feet into the bigger pool. i went back into the baby pool and jean and chris started splashing water at me. as in serious splashing. at my face. so i splashed them back and pretty soon we were soaked. damnit you planned it right? played at the playground.. blind cat.. where i got tricked.. decided all the strange people had left the pool.. went back in. we stood around contemplating whether or not to just go in, fully clothed.. and shortly after i said oh we can just push each other in anyway and say it was a mistake.. i got pushed in.. hard.. by either jean or chris.. and fell in screeching.. then jean fell in or something.. so we went around to the deep end to push in chris and jan.. then gen.. and we all swam around in the dark like utter morons.. and somehow i love it.. got out after worrying about the security guard coming after me again.. played some more at the playground.. gen rode the brown horse thingy.. and chris was her nasty fair maiden.. who claimed she didn't need a knight in shining armor but attempted to get on the horse anyway.. haha.
10pluspm: went back up, sat on towels in my room and had a picnic. with chips and hot tea. i took a few pics of us on the flying carpets.. we all had to strip and change into dry stuff after my mum came home.. jan's got such a nice body and perfect complexion.. don't you just want to kill her? people shouldn't be allowed to look that great. just imagine her in her gown and makeup and all. strangle-able. oh and nice underwear, jan. anyway we just sat there the rest of the time eating and playing with eyeshadow.. i still like the natural look best. just a bit of bronze shimmer..
11pluspm: and all of you went home. tadah. and here i sit, close to midnight, still on some kind of weird high. hahahaha. tomorrow will be another good day! and the day after! and it will go on and on and on and i never want this year to end.. cos next year might not be so good. i love you all! good night. i shall tell the rest about red rubies the next time.. and how black is really the most beautiful colour of all, cos it's really all the colours in the world mixed together.. only you can't see its beauty offhand.. it's hidden.. and i'm nuts. ttfn.
it must've been love.
11:50 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, November 17
soon, all this will be over. very soon. in less than 48 hours. i don't care anymore, i just can't seem to study anymore. it's like.. saturated? not saturated with knowledge, mind. saturated with impatience to hurry up and get everything over and done with. the more i think about it the surer i am that i'm not going to get a whole string of a1s or even a2s. i mean, 2 ppl out of the cohort getting a1s for physics in previous years is pretty extreme okay. i mean.. i don't know what i was expecting. but i forgot that very interesting piece of information. if our seniors couldn't ace their o's, who says we're going to. dragon year. moderation. downwards. and i made so many stupid mistakes today.. i guess i'll apply for some lousy jc next week.. what's the point of downgrading after march? i'm still not over ss. i'm sorry, i know i keep bringing it up when it's nothing but a distant memory to you.. but this memory is burning me up. i knew how to do it. i could have. why does my brain do crazy things to me when i least need bad advice? i just don't get over terrible mistakes like that. i really am sorry. keep dwelling on it.. listening to all of you talk sometimes about the future, i wonder what mine holds when i screw everything up.. everything. there's nothing left but you people. and i guess that's all i need? without you, it'd be mere existence. i'd rather have what i'm having now. a life. not a great one, one filled with regrets and might-have-beens, but still, i'm alive. and actually.. it's the might-have-beens that keep me up at night. it's the might-have-beens that preoccupy my dreams. and it's the might-have-beens that will never be. irony of life eh?
it must've been love.
8:45 pm
xoxo
Monday, November 15
just woke up. a bit bleary eyed. and all those dreams.. argh i want to just stop all my dreams. stop my stupid mind from thinking about these things. don't want them now. dreams are only fun when you can afford to dream them. i'm poor.. don't rob me, dream-giver. don't tempt me.. i might give more than i can afford.. i might give them my soul. i know what you want to hear.. but is this how you want to hear it? and actually.. you know what i want to hear. i don't need to hear it, i've been existing pretty fine without it so far. and most wants are bad for us. but i kinda want to hear it.. only.. i don't know how i'd want to hear it, really. oh damnit i do know. and i also know that i'll never hear it. they will steal your heart away, draw the blood from your veins, turn your head from the truth, until you don't know what you're doing anymore. i'm scared to give so much to dreams. only, at night.. how do you force your brain to think rationally? it just doesn't happen. i see your face through the thin mist.. are you smiling? i can't tell.. i'm starting to forget it.. maybe it's better this way.
it must've been love.
8:47 pm
xoxo
Sunday, November 14
five days from now i'll be trying to decide whether to scream or cry. for joy. strangely enough, i always thought i'd be mugging super hard by the time o's rolled round. then again, i imagined myself studying like crazy for prelims too. now we're into our third lap for o's, and i'm still pretty much the same bum i always was. disappointing how life turns out eh? tskk bad me. bad habits are hard to break, good habits are even harder to cultivate. diets don't last longer than a couple of days for me, and the only exercise i get these days is tottering about on my heels. and somehow i get a real kick out of sounding like an airhead. =D
the pastor was preaching on divine appointment today. and on the way home i stopped to help someone. it's nice to help someone who really needs your help somehow.. maybe because it's more blessed to give than to receive. but in this world, it's kinda hard to tell the difference.
i guess you have to be honest with yourself about your intentions. like what all those white lies are for. are you lying to avoid facing up to the ugly truth, or lying to shield someone from something she doesn't need to know? and sometimes i wonder.. if i'd be happier not knowing some stuff. living life a day at a time, the pieces don't always make sense.. but there'll come a time the jigsaw pieces fit perfectly to form a beautiful picture. i can't wait for that day. when i'll know the reason why things turn out the way they do. for one, i'm really interested to know where this path will lead, if i take it. i guess i seem like an utter fool, changing courses completely every two years. first triple science, then arts. but both lead to psychology, which is my ultimate goal. i don't regret anything. maybe at first i was frightened by my own decisions and mistakes, but even those mistakes are turning out for the better. it's really better this way. in the course of a lifetime, o's won't matter. cos what really matters is that you're contented and happy.. and that has more to do with yourself than anything else. in the course of a lifetime.. what
will matter to me will be hearing your kids call me aunty mel. okay, strangle me! =) i'm gonna have three kids and a dog, all adopted. wahhaha.
i cannot wait for friday i cannot wait.. the year has flown.. the minutes drag.. when you'e supposed to be studying time flies. when you're sitting around twiddling your thumbs and staring at the calendar waiting for friday, it all seems so far,
far,
far away. i don't give a damn about o levels now! i just want to get it over with. though i know with this kinda attitude i'll get f9 for phys, amath and chem. but.. aiyah.. ss is screwed already.. which screws my entire humance.. which screws my L1R5.. which screws my jc admission.. so who cares if i screw phys and amath and chem to boot? i refuse to regret anything more. just live and let live and find some sense in this crazy world.
it must've been love.
4:51 pm
xoxo
Friday, November 12
that funny question from bio is void. or something like that. either way it makes no difference to me because a1s still go by the bell curve, whatever it's called. at least i don't feel so stupid now. *phew* but i'm still annoyed by my not labelling the damned diagrams. 8 marks gone, max from that question. and the heart thing. well it's over. thank goodness. and i thought cambridge never makes mistakes! i mean we pay them a fair bit of money to give us a certain standard of examinations right? not like psle.. there's sure to be some problem somewhere every year, by the looks of it recently. anyway. i'm glad to know it's not that we're dumb. phewww.
hands are red and a bit sore from ball catching. spent about half an hour throwing some stinky rugby ball at my sister. that thing knocked into my screen twice, knocked over my dustbin twice and landed on my bed once. and knocked over my spirit of moonflower body mist bottle once. apart from that my room's still in one piece. mainly because i was sitting down the entire time. i've still got a bit of phobia.. ever since that time in primary one when some idiot knocked a basketball into my face and squashed my nose forevermore. well this time nothing happened. i dislike her stinky rugby ball. it smells of field. now my room smells of field. it's dirty. and it bounced on my bed. and all over my floor. and knocked over my stash of biscuits. well hopefully she won't bring it home anymore. i'm nuts about this song.. not ready for goodbye, all 4 one.
Sittin' here starin' at the wall
Another lonely tear falls
I'm tryin' to write you this song
But I can hardly see the page at all
'Cause it's breaking my heart
When I look in your eyes
And I don't see me anymore
Oh, and you're all I'm living for
[chorus]
Baby, tell me that you still believe
That you still love me
The way I love you
If you take your love away from me
You know I would die'
Cause I'm not ready for goodbye (Oooh...ooh...oh...)
Baby, please pick up the phone
Tell me I'm crazy, I got it all wrong
I don't know what I'm gonna do
I don't know how to live without you
You are the first song
My heart ever heard
And baby, I believed every word
You are my heart, my soul, my world
[chorus]
[bridge]
Every breath that I take, every beat of my heart
You know it's all for you
I wanna hold you, I wanna love you
Forever and always
like the chorus =) aren't ya'll glad we don't go to school everyday anymore? you'd be sick of it in an hour wahhaha. i don't know why i don't get sick of things that easily. it's not cos i'm tolerant. maybe i'm just extreme. either love it or loathe it. =) -- and above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. -- hamlet.
it must've been love.
10:49 pm
xoxo
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,-'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
Hamlet, 3. 1
[i think i kinda like shakespeare. but i can't decide whether or not he was as intelligent as people make him out to be. sure, he 'doubt[ed] that the sun doth move' but maybe he was just trying to be funny, opposing common beliefs. he wasn't even educated, or so i hear. and you can examine and study what any tom dick or harry says and find some cryptic meaning behind it... just that shakespeare's stuff sound nicer. and somehow, make sense. oh forget it.]
it must've been love.
8:18 pm
xoxo
Thursday, November 11
I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand.
So now I leave you without a sound except my heart shattering as it hits the ground.
Love isn't blind, it only sees just what matters.
If a tear fell from my eyes every time i wished you were with me,
I would have a puddle of fallen wishes at my feet.
Through the wind I hear your voice, and in the clouds I see your name.
Living life without you just wouldnt be the same
If i had a single flower for every time i thought of you, i could walk forever in my garden.
When i saw you i was afraid to talk to you...
When i talked to you i was afraid to hold you...
When i held you i was afraid to love you
Now that i love you i'm afraid to lose you.
True love never leaves the heart, so if you don't love me now, you didn't love me then.
It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion,
That once it envelopes you, it does not depart.
True love is eternal.
If you think you were once in love but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in.
I ran up the door, shut the stairs, said my pj's and put on my prayers.
I turned off the bed and hopped into the light, all because you kissed me goodnight.
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
The hardest thing in the world isn't finding the one you love. It's making the one you love, love you back.
I don't know whether to smile cause you're happier with her or cry cause you're not mine.
Everyday we tell ourselves we're better off without each other,
But then every morning I wake up and realize I love you more then the day before.
I want to be happy because he's happy
But how can I be happy knowing i'm not the one making him smile.
Sticks and stones may break my bones and tear my skin apart,
But nothing hurts me more than you,
Because you broke my heart.
It takes 3 seconds to say 'I Love You' but a lifetime to prove it.
Love is friendship, friendship is love. If love fails, friendship should remain. For friendship is the foundation of love.
Let your heart guide you... but listen closely because it whispers.
You make me smile for no reason whatsoever,
You make me laugh at the unfunniest things,
But most of all, you make me love you...
When I shouldn't be loving you.
You will know when you really love someone
When you want him to be happy even if his happiness means you are not a part of it.
Don't be too good, I will miss you.
Don't be too caring, I might like you.
Don't be too sweet, I might fall.
It's hard for me to love you when you won't love me after all...
And all for love, and nothing for reward.
A smile is nearly always inspired by another smile.
A song isn't a song until you sing it
A bell isn't a bell until you ring it
Love in your heart isn't put there to stay
Love isn't love until you give it away.
And the trouble is if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
First love is dangerous only when it is also the last.
I could have loved you once and said it, but then you went away and when you came back, love was a forgotten word. Remember?
I'm sending you some kisses, I know you like them.
If I know what love is, it is because of you.
If we judge of love by its usual effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship.
If you love him, let him go. And if he comes back to you, he was always yours.
If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with a little rain!
Immature love says:"I love you because I need you."
Mature love says:" I need you because I love you."
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.
Love and a cough cannot be hidden.
Love is the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
Love is an energy - it can neither be created nor destroyed. It just is and always will be, giving meaning to life and direction to goodness... Love will never die.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
[as taken from
http://www.sheetudeep.com/lovequotes.html] is this love? and ally: i'm the kind of person to whom words matter. it's the words and deeds that win me. and oh.. the smile too. *beams*
it must've been love.
10:08 pm
xoxo
i didn't know a person could put on 5 kg eating. i also didn't know the same person could lose 4 kg of it yelling at someone behind a door. i think there's something wrong with the weighing machine. today was an okay day. i cannot cannot absolutely cannot wait for next friday. even though my chem and phys are in shambles and i never cared for amath. i really want to get out, get out, and feel the breeze. i want to run screaming in the rain. i want to sleep the whole day away then wake up at night to party. i want to be free. what's freedom? it's not the absence of captivity. i realise a lot of 'pro' or in my opinion, 'white' stuff are not merely the absence of 'con' or 'black' stuff. because i take into consideration neutrality. and this is really confusing so i think i'll deal with it after next friday. hmm two monday's from now we'll go job-hunting.. and yeah trot around in pretty shirts and skirts and hopefully land an okay-paying job so i can go and get everything i need. and here's my shopping list! =D
1. white high heels. jean: this means stappy heels. chris: this means stilettos. others: i think you're on the same frequency as me. and this is a need, because my old ones are getting worn through. and i am vertically challanged. and i wear sport shoes about twice a year.
2. black high heels. ditto above. it's half a want and half a need cos the pair that i have are pretty but pinch a bit.
3. pale pink high heels. ditto above, plus the fact that they have my baby blue ones in a really nice shade of baby pink and i could use it. =D but that's a want.
4. wallet. worn out. coming apart. you get the picture. that's a need.
5. black skirt. remember the type that i always squeal over whenever we're out? yeah well you're right. i'm gonna get it someday, might as well be now. if it's still around. heeee. =) that's a want.
6. silver watch. dressier than my blue one. which i can't wear with anything that's not blue anyway. that's a want.
7. black hair clips. a need. my fringe never seems to fit behind my ear after a haircut.
8. buffer. semi-want. buffing is a neat habit anyway. which i shall resume next friday.
9. mascara. waterproof, so it won't matter what i do, and another protein one so the waterproof one won't dry my lashes too badly. it's a want. i admit it. but hey i'm sweet sixteen, i reserve the right to dress up for special occasions. hah.
i can't think of the rest now, but as you can see, i definitely need a job to support my admittedly high maintenance self. man, i should get a boyfriend. a rich one. i mean, what else are they for eh? but since i'm pro-female, i shall just get a job and treat myself. tadahh. if i don't get a job, don't bother buying any of that stuff for me. except jean who's choped the wallet. in the course of a lifetime, i'd have forgotten i ever wanted any of those. but right now it'd feel about great. =) and.. back to chem.
it must've been love.
10:00 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, November 10
repro came out. bacteria didn't really. damn. anyway i don't wanna think about it anymore. i've lost 11+7+8 marks. already. damn. oh who cares, what the hell, the only thing that hurts is that i was praying so hard during the paper, i kept saying please God tell me what's the name of the chamber that's above the ventricle.. i know it starts with an a.. tell me God. and he didn't. 1 hr 45 mins of that. i think he got sick of it. then everything else. oh kill me, someone.
does it break your heart to see me crying? do you ever regret what you've said, and done? would you fight for my honour, right my wrongs? are you the knight in shining armor i've always dreamt of? i wish someone would come riding on a white horse and just sweep me off my feet and to some castle far, far away. i know i keep trying to convince myself i don't believe in fairytales anymore, but how come the stuff that touch me the most always have to do with fairytale analogies?
and in the course of a lifetime, would this matter? would any of this matter? would i remember any of this? would i even care? would i laugh at my sixteen-year-old self, would i laugh at our naivety? gen told me today that she was looking over her sec1 journal.. and she found an entry for orientation that said 'jean and i had a lot of fun screaming at mel to stop moving'.. the thing is.. i can't even remember them screaming at me! but i guess if there'd be anyone to wriggle on the paper yeah it'd be me. hahhahaha. remember? that game? where you stand on sheets of paper that keep getting folded? well. thanks for screaming at me, and remembering it. cos.. i don't.. not really.. but one thing i know for sure. i'm very glad for what happened four years ago. when i stepped into school, and the first friends i made are the ones that have lasted through the years. the first people i talked to were you. jean jan gen. chris was later. and remember in sec2 i said i wanted to be able to tell my kids that all of us went through sec sch together? guess what. it's ending, but we've achieved it. thanks for making me the person i am now. you rubbed off my rough edges. you brought out my less tense, less intense and more normal side. and when i went nuts you still cared for me. we never did fight, did we? the only time jean and i fought was because of a mistake i made. i still remember that. she was pissed that i was pissed that my mum was pissed that i was getting f9 for chinese all the way. hey we didn't know then that i was monolingual right? so yeah we screamed at each other in frustration for 10 mins, then cried and hugged and everything was okay. everything's so simple when you're younger huh. wonder if we could pull off that scream-cry-hug sequence in 10 mins now. i hope so, but i don't wanna fight with you again. it makes me feel like a useless piece of dung. and. in the course of a lifetime, this, our friendships, would matter more than anything in the world. more than o levels. i won't ever regret this. ever.
it must've been love.
6:31 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, November 9
just realised i've been having a migraine for the past few days. i honestly didn't realise it. i just kept thinking hmm this feels odd, i have this burning pain in my head and neck. then hmmm how come it feels like someone who really hates me is pressing on my brain? then hmm how come i can't see clearly.. and can't concentrate.. and all i ever want to do is go back to sleep. well. just remembered i've been forgetting my medicine. so if i've been snapping without knowing it, i apologise deeply. don't worry i'm back on all of my meds now. will go study bio when they start to take effect. i have finally learnt how to make yoghurt. streptococcus thermophilus to remove oxygen. lactobacillus bulgaricus respires anaerobically to turn lactose into lactic acid which in turn curdles casein to yoghurt. yay. please please let it come out. don't want to have wasted brain space. may repro not come out. i'm bad at that.
it must've been love.
10:44 pm
xoxo
i'm at sher's house now.. she's popping vitamin c tablets like most people eat candy. tskkk. well i only had one. cos i don't like normal round vitamin c tablets. the bottle packaging is so misleading! it had this teddy bear in front.. with a 'for 6-16 year olds' thing in front.. and the tablet's not even teddy bear shaped. so disappointing. hmmm bio tmr and i'm sick and tired of bio. honestly. i could puke bio in solid pieces, not because i've got so many facts in my head, but because i'm tired of trying to memorise them all. bleaugh bio. bio is bleaugh. why is it so factual? you can't fake it without some knowledge. bleaughhh. sleepy.
hmm chris. erh. aiyah you won't always be so shallow-ahemed. i think. anyway jean's not leaving anymore, so yay!!! hahaha chris you must try to come back now and then okay.. what am i gonna do without my bus/lit/binge/crap partner eh? maybe i'll pick up veeting just to remember you.. hahaha. eh the curling iron didn't die on us because you curled my hair okay. it temporarily decided to go on strike because it was overheated. you make it sound like my hair has curling-iron-killing properties. anyway i'm hoping to get a job.. breeks aparently needs you to work for 6 months, minimum. even for part time. and pizza hut is 2 months. either way i have less than 1 1/2 months. so maybe i'll find some other job like giving tuition to some primary school kids or something. even though i don't really like bratty kids. i need to while away the time.. and get some money at the same time. then we can go out at night!! =D
i still haven't decided for myself what i'll accept as the definition of love. it sounds so cold. definition. the meaning of it. i want to find out before i go. i guess i'll have learnt it before heaven's gates open, cos i don't think you can go in without love. gotta love your neighbours right? i mean i know i love all of you, but i want to know why. not that you're unlovable. i guess it's got to do with myself. why i can love some people and heck about everyone else.
it must've been love.
5:38 pm
xoxo
Monday, November 8
ever had that feeling when you're reading that you're going to have to throw up? been really nauseous these days. i hope it doesn't mean i'm coming down with the flu or something because i can hear my mum coughing next door. anyway halfway through this great book i uhh sneaked from my sister. some medical thriller. think the apprentice. few chaps of bio left, shall finish up tomorrow. =) ohh we were looking for our english papers today in that heap outside the staffroom.. it's nuts i tell you. well we didn't write our names so we had to open three quarters of the booklets to peer at the handwriting in the margins. let's say that i never knew our girls were so hardworking. obviously memorised phrases scribbled down by the question? hello? i didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. my own essay pales in comparison. tskk tskk. honestly, i wish my brain were like a sponge. the only things i can remember off-hand are the poems that i really really like. and song lyrics. i'm still not very sure about all the bio and chem details. which i always squeeze in last minute anyway. you never feel smarter than directly after the exam, and you never feel dumber than when you're sitting for it. staring at the calendar again. how time flies. i don't cross the days off like i used to. i'd be tempted to liquid the crosses off and pretend i can start again.
if dreams are a reflection of our innermost thoughts and wishes.. my innermost thoughts and wishes are basically my only thoughts and wishes. no need for night time. it's kinda weird i guess. sitting down there in class, the fan whirling overhead, bio textbook open in front of me. to ecology. if you tell me now it's out of the syllabus i swear i will cuss. so. chris is apparently absorbed in erhh the female anopheles mosquito.. and there i am, with just one question in my mind. what is love? what
is love? it's more than sweet nothings whispered at night. it's more than the little sacrifices for friends. what is it? it isn't the absence of hate. peace is not the absence of war. hate is the absence of love, as war is the absence of peace. but what is love? and for that matter, what is peace? God is love. oh we all know that well. but why can't we say love is God. i knew the answer to that once. how come i've forgotten the answer to one of the most important questions to me? how can you forget something like that? what
is love? oh yes 1 corinthians 13. everyone knows that. but what is the
meaning of love? what does it
mean? is what we think love, really love? can something so good, so pure, actually hurt us? if it's not.. then what is? and what's with this little game we call romance? why do people think all you need is a prince charming? i keep telling you, prince charming is an oxy-moron! if it's a prince, it's not charming. if it's charming, it's not a prince. it's probably not even a guy! see, i'm using
it. why am i even so worked up about it? i want to know the answer. i really really do. i've been thinking all day.. and i can't remember why you can't say that love is God. except that there's more to God than love. it's like sets i guess. love is a subset of God. God is not a subset of love. but there's something more, i know it. well. around there i got fed up with my lousy self and decided to ask chris. you should've seen her mouth. it just dropped open. i admit ecology is very far from love, but if i have to die soon, i'd rather know about what matters. anyway it turns out she was thinking about her abs which isn't that close to malaria anyway. sigh. tell me, tell me.. what is love? and don't bother gallantly trying to show me or whatever. i want it in words. not just waves of feelings that i don't have. damnit, maybe i don't even know what love is.
it must've been love.
9:04 pm
xoxo
Sunday, November 7
hmm just been reminded of something. after this, we'll be kinda parting ways. not just to different jcs. chris is definitely going to taylor's.. and as glad as i am for her.. i'm going to miss her like crazy! jean.. unconfirmed if she's leaving yet. the rest.. nothing, so far. just want to say a couple of things before i forget. shall do the rest some other time when i feel like it.
chris: hey sexy legs.. don't forget to veet them in perth kae.. hahaha. but seriously, i'm gonna miss you loads. if i were to calculate the amount of time spent in your company, it's freaky. how's this.. school term, 7-330. plus plus. sometimes to 6. then sometimes we meet on sats.. and suns.. when it's exam period, three quarters of the time i'm studying with anyone, it's with you. then when we have nothing better to do after school and just wanna hang out.. well let's say you've spent quite a large amount of time sprawled on my bed snoring. less time, but still substantial, going through my wardrobe and lip gloss collection. then doing makeup and hair every now and then. hmm remember i used to go over to your place at the end of every year? remember we played barbies? hahah am i actually admitting this? hahahah yes i love playing barbies with you, damnit! haha. then playing on the swings at your house.. walking around.. shopping at causeway.. which leads to shopping in general with you.. i'm sorry you're always so zonked after shopping with me, darlin', but i can't help it that i somehow [still don't get how lehh] make you use your brain while shopping. haha. ehh i'm serious about those charles and keith sandals okay. then.. my lit buddy! thanks so much for doing lit with me kae. you don't know how grateful i am. i would never have survived 2 years in that class without you. seriously. i'd have been a mute for 2 hours every week. i know there's lots more, i just can't jolt my memory right now.. ahh shall add on when i remember.
it must've been love.
9:24 pm
xoxo
Friday, November 5
it's the last day of the first week, and we've made it through alive! you know i still don't feel like it's o's or anything. i just took a longg 4 hour nap. maybe it was too long. now i'm too sleepy to do anything brainy. still have to start studying the three sciences. the last week is going to be tough. but it's tougher for you geog people. actually this week must have been torturous for some people.. i was thinking about it while the amath papers were being collected. for ppl doing science phys, pure hist, elect lit and amath.. they had something like 6 subjects in 4 days? i'm counting my blessings.. =)
piano lesson tmr.. feel a bit guilty. i never ever play the songs i'm supposed to.. okay except 'the homecoming'.. and after ten years she's figured out that i only play what i want to.. and treat the other songs like sight-reading. wonder if it's a reflection of how i treat things in real life. only do what i want to. ignore the unpleasant stuff. yeah, i guess it is. i blithely ignored amath for a couple of weeks til last night. and i have been blithely ignoring sciences too. come to think of it i didn't touch lit for a long time after prelims.. til a couple of days before the exams. but ss was such a letdown. i actually studied it, a chapter a day, for a week. bahh. see that's what happens when you study. you screw up by not opening your eyes to the question. i am an idiot. *bangs head against the table*
still not sure about what i wanna do. i only know.. i'm looking forward to 19 nov. i used to think i'd like more time to study but it makes no difference to me cos i'd still start only just before the paper. or forget everything anyway. so yeah 19 nov please come, i'm waiting.. i'm almost ready. i swear, i'm gonna go wild! do everything i've been putting off for 4 years. go back to beadwork. swim. paint my nails properly. try on mascara. stay up all night talking on the phone. damn i'm ready. and oh i'll get a haircut too. haven't had one since icf. three months is a longg time. sigh. the tips of my hair have been through so much with me.. in those three months.. so many things happened.. but to let go i must get rid of it. then i will be truly free. and maybe i'll feel more ready start anew.
i just thought of something. you are the rhyme to my reason. but i don't have much reason. maybe i should say that you are the reason to my rhyme cos i sometimes feel like i'm more concerned with rhyme than reason. see i don't even make sense. sigh. i have no reasoning. and i thought of something else. once i thought my chinese name was inappropriate. now i know it kinda makes sense. it means something to the effect of harmony. as in musical harmony. and i find myself picking out the harmony to songs quite a lot. i think harmonies are are beautiful as melodies! hee.
it must've been love.
4:08 pm
xoxo
Thursday, November 4
the worst is over. why do i say lit was the worst? because it's so uncertain. that's the thing about english and humanities. you never know if its gonna be a1 or f9 or just plain b3. sighh. i'm pretty sure i won't get a1 for combined humanities anyway. ss is the bane of my existence! bahhh. if i get a1, which will happen when the moon fairy comes to visit, i'll treat y'all to marche. serious. i'm that certain. and i'll be that happy. amath tmr.. just woke up from my nap.. after talking on the phone for 1 1/2 hours.. sighh. gotta revise. i want an a1 for amath too! how come i want an a1 for everything? being me, if i have to get something i want an a1 or nothing at all. no point right, getting anything but a1. just look at my prelims. neither here nor there. brain tired. i use my brain for lit. it hurts my brain to think. and it started to rain. i didn't realise what i heard was the pattering of raindrops til i looked up and saw the storm. got wet trying to go home, naturally. chris and i put on our jackets and ran laughing through the rain to the bus stop.. or at least what we assumed was the bus stop.. you know how you dash through the gate and only stop when you reach the shelter of the bus stop? well this time we dashed through the gate and only stopped when we reached where the shelter of the bus stop
used to be. then we stared at each other, went 'ehh the bus stop's not here anymore' then dashed to the
real bus stop far far away. hahaha. drenched.
not sure about humanities anymore. i realise i walk out of the room cursing myself all the time. i mean i feel stupid after math and science, listening to y'all discuss the answers. but with humanities there's so much uncertainty. i'm not sure i can live with that. i need to know how to feel. i don't want to be left dangling for months. i need to know what to expect. i don't like see-saw-ing up and down and round and round wondering and pondering and having nightmares about terrible essays. maybe i'll give up that side of me. pursue science instead. i mean it's there, it's in your face, wrong means wrong, right means right, no arguing. lit showed me a lot about how things are. forced me to look at myself. but i really don't like doing the exams. not under exam conditions. i don't mind writing the essays.. if you don't pressurise me til i don't know what i'm writing and i can't even think. i'd say the same for ss only i don't like doing ss, period. now it's over i can say that. i don't like ss. i never liked ss. i have always detested ss. thank the heavens i will never do ss again! may i not retain!
it must've been love.
7:22 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, November 2
ss is screwed. i've never felt this bad about any paper before. ever. my 13 mark question's completely gone. why am i such a fool. i don't know what came over me, but i just didn't understand the question at all. i'm screwed. my only humance. i've kissed my a1 byebye. what's the point of concentrating on lit now? nothing's going to pull it up. i guess i'll do science next year. damn ss. i have zero confidence now. where the hell were my brains??? i don't know either, damnit. how come i could look at the question and not see the link? i don't know either, damnit! now i'm pissed with the whole world! even my speakers are spoilt and i can't listen to my music. damnit. damn it all. i hate you. but more than that, i hate me. i'm screwed. all of you out there who did the correct thing when you saw the question,
stop rubbing it in, damnit! like i'm not already upset with myself. smart alecks. okay, so i'm dumb. get the hell out of my way before i turn violent.
why am i so violent, so vicious, so angry? because i wanted to believe in myself. and now i know i will never be able to. i just want to hurt someone, hurt them the way i'm hurting now. say the meanest things without a twinge of conscience. make them cry. rub salt into wounds. the last time i did that, i regretted it like crazy. so i won't do it again. go away, let me be for a while. i don't want to do something i'll regret. there's enough on my conscience. i don't care if there'll be a rainbow after this rain. i don't want the rain. i want clear skies all through i know i sound silly there's no such thing but can't i even wish?? can't i even dream? why do i even care what you say you aren't me you don't understand i just wanna die why am i so stupid why am i such a fool where are you now that i need you so?
i haven't smiled all day. i don't think i'm about to start either. it's not your fault or anything. it's just me. thinking about what could have been is saddening. watching the marks slip through my fingers. i need to learn to move on. i don't know what tomorrow will bring..
have you ever, by brandy:
[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you into my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]
well i like it. that's all i need to say. it's the saddest thing in the world and i never want to feel that way but i like the song.
it must've been love.
11:17 am
xoxo
